The Death of the Queen Mother

Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother
August 4, 1900 – March 30, 2002
“I’ll polish it off myself.”

Most Mighty and Most Excellent Princess Elizabeth, Queen Dowager and Queen Mother,Lady of the Most Noble Order of the Garter, Lady of the Most Ancient and Most Noble Order of the Thistle, Lady of theImperial Order of the Crown of India, Grand Master and Dame Grand Cross of the Royal Victorian Order upon whom had beenconferred the Royal Victorian Chain, Dame Grand Cross of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, Dame GrandCross of the Most Venerable Order of the Hospital of St John, Relict of His Majesty King George the Sixth and Mother ofHer Most Excellent Majesty Elizabeth The Second by the Grace of God of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and NorthernIreland and of her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith, Sovereign of theMost Noble Order of the Garter (thanks to David Wood for those)

I stole the sign above (it is massive) from a club last Sunday night.  Yeah, I wasa bit drunk, and thought I could get away with it.   In retrospect, I am embarrassed, but I got the sign, and that’swhat really matters.  That same night, (I must have overdosed on klepto pills) I stole this sign fromMcDonalds.

To the Queen, who was having a glass of wine with lunch, “Is thatwise?  You know you have to reign this afternoon.”

31 March, 2002

Well, the old bird finally bit it.  She was a mother, in every sense of theword.  She died at 3:15 Saturday afternoon, at The RoyalLodge, Windsor.  

Dead pools across the world are racking up some serious points this week.

The Queen was supposedly at her mother’s bedside when it happened.  A little whilebefore, the Queen Mother asked her daughter to leave her alone for a bit.  When the Queen returned, QM wasfestooned with pearls and earrings.  She died shortly thereafter.

As I write this, the QM’s casket was taken tothe Royal Chapel of All Saints, in Great Windsor Park.

The funeral itself will take place, next Tuesday, April 9.  It’s gonna be abiggie.  I’ll be there, and get you the scoop.  Stay tuned.

9 April, 2002

Well today was the funeral.  The Queen Mother’s coffin has been on display sincelast Friday, in Westminster Hall.  The line up was hours long, and there was no way I was going to stand aroundjust to see a box with a flag on top of it.  Same with Nixon.  When he died I went all the way to Yorba Linda,and then they wanted us to wait for hours.  Not even an open casket.  No thanks.

Today’s festivities were good.  I stood in The Mall from about11:00 a.m., where Icould see this view of Westminster Abbey. 

 Thehearse wasn’t due until 12:45.  I got there early enough to see Charles leave for the Abbeyfromthese gates.

I had a walk around, and saw a lot of thetributes people left in memory of the Queen Mother. 

I also saw thestretchers that the ambulance people had prepared just in case.

  Then I walked over to St. James’s Palace, tocheck out that window with the ghostly apparition, from the Princess Margaret story I wrote earlier.  Here’s aclose up of the window.  Not as spooky, close up.

As I stood in The Mall, waiting forthe hearse to pass me by, we were fortunate to have loudspeakers up, to listen to the service.  

It was a nicetouch.  We would have been bored to tears otherwise.

At 12:45, just as we were expecting the cortege, there were military planes that did amemorialfly over.

  It really was stunning.  I took an mpeg ofthem, and thanks to Julie you can see it now. Shortly after that, thecortegeappeared.

First it was the hearse, withthe Queen Mother’s coffin, covered in her Royal Standard.

  Followed closely by Charlesin his car. 

 Some of these pictures came out horrible, for which I apologize.  I should have brought myfaithful 35mm, and not the stupid digital one.

The next batch of cars were the A list Royals. TheQueen and Prince Phillip.

 Princes Harry and William,who were very enthusiastic to see the planes overhead.

  I saw Edward and Sophie, Princess Anne and her brood. After they passed, that was it. I went home.

Ever the shoplifter (or shirt lifter, depending), I took this sign from theTubestation closest to my house.

She is buried in St. Georges Chapel, Windsor.

Before her death, there was a exe program going around, to tryand keep her alive.  You can get it here.  Its a hoot, I promise. friend David Wood also sends us these extracts from a”guest book.”  They’ve really made the rounds, and are hysterical.  Thanks David!

“I think that the Queen Mum and Princess Diana are our very own Twin Trade
At last we can look the people of New York in the face”.
L.Ward, Mansfield.
“When Diana died I swore I would never smile again, but eventually I did.
Now the Queen Mum has gone I cannot imagine that I will ever smile for the
rest of my life,
but I will probably break that one too”.
“She was one of the old school, all the remaining royals are sh*t”
J.Clement. Grantham.
“I thought she would never die, she has let us all down very badly”
D.Holmes, Somerset.
“She was a trooper and she never gave up.
I remember one time she was visiting a school and I asked her if she would
like to make a visit to
the cloakroom before she left. ‘No’ she replied, ‘I didn’t give in to the
Nazis and I won’t give in to the bladder’.
That’s how she was, a fighter, who refused to be beaten by anything.
She p*ssed herself later though,it was sickening”.
B. Forrester, North Yorkshire.
“She was a marvelous woman, and a wonderful lover”.
L. J.Worthington, Penrith.
“I am absolutely devastated, at least we could have got the day off”.
S.Wilson, Bristol.
“How refreshing to be able to mourn the death of a member of the Royal
family without being accused of being homosexual”.
J. Fletcher, High Wycombe.
“Her death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to
experiment with drugs”.
E. Franks, Cheshire.
“On behalf on all blacks, I send the sincerest condolences”.
T.Watson, Ilford.
“Perhaps if we automated her old golf buggy it could still drive around the
mall on its own and bring pleasure to the tourists”.
Y. Howell, Slough.
“Once again the Queen is not upset enough for my liking, the woman should
have a bit more compassion.
How would she feel if it was her mother?”
W.Waugh, Richmond.
“It is such a loss, God has sh*t on our heads”.
K. O’Neil, Inverness.
“I am sure the Queen Mum will not let this setback put an end to her public
N. Wallace, Swansea.
“I hold Princess Margaret in no small way responsible for this terrible
E. Thompson, West Lothian.
“Bomb Iraq for us Tony, its the only thing that will make us feel better”
P.McGregor, Southampton.
“We must do all we can, send blankets, food parcels, jumpers,
anything to help these brave souls who are queuing up to walk past her
R. Thompson, Bath.
“I have been unable to masturbate for five days, and will not do so again
until her majesty is buried”
E. Gorman, Derbyshire.
“Good God who is next, Geri Halliwell?”.
R. Combes, Romford.
“No matter how she felt, no matter the situation, she always wore a smile.
Just like a retard”
G. Hollins, East Sussex.
“I remember she came to visit us in the East End one time. She was so kind,
so generous and so sweet.
She whispered softly in my ear, ‘you know its not true’ she said, ‘you don’t
smell of sh*t’. She was a wondrous person”.
E.Collier, London.
“Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as exciting as Diana”.
G.Williams, West Midlands.
“She was one of us, and by that I don’t mean she perpetrated insurance fraud
or lied about expense claims.
She was like us in a good way. God bless you ma’am”.
L. Weller, Harlow.
“If only I could get my hands on that fish bone right now, you heartless
J. Hedges, Cowdenbeath.
“She had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity and
Let us hope that if there is a next time round she is given a life of
privilege and comfort”
T.D.Wainwright, Hastings.

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